a blog about stuff. random stuff. rad stuff. stuff i like. art stuff. music stuff. stuff i'm involved in. good stuff.

Monday, December 31, 2012

peace out 2012

 
hoos 2005.
 
 
+++++
 
 
okay, alright, okay okay okay, here goes! welcome to the tenth and final post of 2012. i promise it will be way less emo than the last two posts i did! but anyway, yeah, i pretty much sucked on keeping up with this blog this year, which i fully plan to rectify in 2013. i previously stated [two posts ago] that i wanted to maybe address a more formal prose direction for this blog for a while, and yes, i still want to do that, but i think i need to give that a little time to develop first. in that i want to write some pieces and just sit on them for a bit and hone them and my skill for a bit before i go towards that. in fact that is something i want to really work on developing in 2013, and i'd like to look into writing professionally. i've always had a talent for it and enjoy doing it so why not take a crack at it? [as a aside, my mom really, REALLY, wanted me to be an english teacher but i just never wanted to go down that route] i do plan on posting more in 2013 and i'm going to mix it up a bit too. i've decided for the month of january, i'm going to do a series called "31 days, 31 bands" and i'm really going to try super, SUPER hard to keep up and actually post everyday. i'm just going to post about bands i love and offer personal notes and anecdotes on them along with pics and youtube tracks. while i am going to keep it mostly to bands i have seen perform live [and therefore have pics of] there will be some bands that i cover that i haven't seen. tune in tomorrow, january 1st, to see who the first band is!!!! i will leave off with some listy-ness of random 2012-ish type things, cuz all ya'll hookerz know how much ol hoosy loves a list. check it son!
 
+++++
 
:)
 
-my lil boy, mr. thomas, is sitting on my lap, purring away and helping me write this post
-the fact that i was blessed to have a precious new life join me this year, aka the above mentioned tommy the terror!!!
- i've been painting a little bit here and there lately....this could lead to some very good things. very good things indeed
-i am formulating many, many artistic plans for 2013, including a street art blitz and new stickers. we shall see how things develop and transpire
-violet hour had a great 2012, and we are poised and ready to DOMINATE in '13. we've got plans in the works for lots of shows, an EP, an album, and just all around awesomeness! stay tuned for all the greatness to come
-i'm planning on expanding myself musically in the new year as well. i know i previously said i wasn't gonna do a solo thing, but i just bought a mandolin [imagine my surprise at finding a lefty mandolin at the mom and pop music shop i sometimes go to, robbie's music, in totowa, nj]
 and now i'm really seriously considering doing a project with that. in addition, there are also three [!!!] other potential projects floating around so we'll see how that all pans out
-my mr t. lunchbox! i love this thing! i keep all of my computer shit and chargers and crap in here so i can keep it away from little kitten teeth.
-i hearby declare that i am going to adopt 100% sobriety in my life. i mean, its not a stretch, i'm already at 99% but will occasionally have a drink or two every few months. i've thought about it and i think its hypocritical of me to say "i don't drink" and then to have a drink once in a while so i'm not going to do it anymore. and besides, alcohol has done some major collateral damage in my life and my family so i just don't want to be a part of it.
 
:(
 
-the fact that i have to share the same oxygen with people like wayne lapierre, todd akin, rush limbaugh, mitt romney, and all the rest of the republi-freaks out there.
-wacko fukked up stalkers that just seem to flock to me. this year was a record setter in that respect! hahaha
-the crazy shit that happened for me personally this year [i won't go into it, but lets just say there were some doozies in my life]
-obnoxiousness [and not the funny-silly kind, the nasty-mean-rude kind]
-my dear boy, jasper sassafras xander hoos aka noney, left me this year and went to heaven after a very sudden illness. he was the first pet i ever got on my own [along with his brother jeffrey allen xavier hoos aka jeffy who is thankfully still with me] and he was the sweetest cat i have ever known. not one mean bone in his body. never aggressive, never nasty, never even hissed in his whole life. i miss him so much, but i am convinced that he made sure i wouldn't be sad anymore by sending me tommy.
-users and abusers. i need to really limit my contact with these kind of people going forward. i just don't have the energy for them anymore.  
-i'm so sick of the rampant violence i read about every single day. can we learn to treat each other better in 2013. please?
-i hate the fact that i try so hard to please others. i recognize that it is a pattern of behavior i have had for many years and i just need to can that shit and work on pleasing numero uno, ME!
 
 
+++++
 
word of the day
 
debridement- [n]- to remove adhesions: the surgical removal of lacerated, devitalized, or contaminated tissue
 
hmmm...the dictionary says this word is a noun, but it feels more like a verb to me. hmmmmmmm.
i had a english comp professor in college, north peterson, who would always say "you need to debride your sentences! get the maggots out!" i never forgot that saying and i love the word to this day. its fitting now as i'm reassessing certain people and relationships that may or may not be beneficial for me at this juncture. sometimes you just need to debride your life.
 
 
+++++
 
escucha!
 
 
black moth super rainbow & the octopus project- "elq milq" [both of these bands are outstanding in their own right, but together they are more than mighty. this is one of my top fav songs out of any group. i've never had the chance to see TOP but i've seen BMSR twice. the first time i saw them i was disappointed but the next time, just a few weeks ago, they were amazing! really solid and just on top of their game. plus i watched them from the balcony at the venue so it was a new perspective to see them like that. i could actually sort of see what tobacco was doing behind his vocoder [ps, i want a vocoder, who wants to buy one for me????] if you get a chance, def get your ass out to a BMSR show
 
+++++
 
fin! xo-hoos
 
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

i hate you, kate hoos



EXOTOXIN

photo-2005/collage-2008

+++++

i'm sorry

-that i'm weird
-that i have lots and lots of tattoos
-that i dress like a 6 year old boy
-that sometimes i'm too loud
-that a lot of times i'm very vulgar
-that i get excited about the things in my life i'm proud of
-that i want you to share in my excitement
-that my lifestyle makes you uncomfortable
-that you won't give my life half a chance because you've never taken the time to understand it
-that you're fine with assuming things about the way i live my life and the people in it
-that i'm not what you wanted
-that it didn't work out in a more favorable way
-that you're delusional
-that i'm not good enough for you
-that you don't care about what matters to me
-that things are always on your terms
-that half the time, you don't even bother
-that you think i'm stupid
-that i won't let you use me
-that i care enough about you to tell you that you're hurting yourself and i want you to stop
-that i want you to be a part of my life
-that i want you to come into my world
-that i surround myself with made up characters
-that emotions race through my veins haphazardly
-that i think being treated shitty sucks
-that i'm not okay with having been abused


....except um...no. i'm really just not.

++++++

xo -hoos

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday, December 22, 2012

i'll just wait and we'll be fine

hoos. 2006.

+++++

before i begin....i've been thinking about this a lot lately and i think, at least for the time being, i'm going to shift the focus of hoosatron! away from being so "random" and maybe towards a more prose direction. i have always enjoyed writing prose, and feel i do it pretty well, but i have let it go by the wayside for a long time. i liked when i went on that freakout tirade after the election and posted that mega rant. hahaha. and there are other things i want to address now that would be best served in this manner (but probably not in such tyrannical, foul mouthed manner as the last post. hahahahahaha). i'd like to take a return to it and see what happens. i may go back and forth between the two styles, or i may perhaps choose to keep hoosatron! as it has been and share my wacky randomness and photos [i just recently discover a treasure trove of old photos that i'm dying to share. bands. random crazyness. me in younger years. graf/street art. stuff from when i was a photography student. just tons of stuff] and create an offshoot blog to handle my prose writing. i'm not sure yet. i'm just going to roll with the punches and see what feels right. for now, read on. and be warned, this is the deepest, most emotional, and most personal post i have ever written. its not intended to be whiny, its not intended to gain sympathy, its just me kinda free writing about some things, big and small, that have shaped my life and existence particularly in 2012. some things might shock people, or maybe they won't. but it's raw and its me and its real so handle it with care.

+++++

okay so....i think this might be the last post of 2012. i'm not sure what the next week or so is going to bring with the holidays and all and family coming in from out of town, or what i'll be doing from day to day, so i figure while i'm thinking about it, i'll take a crack at it. but you never know, perhaps i'll pop in and post some pics or something. i was really shitty at maintaining this blog this year (i think this is only my 8th post), and for that i'm sorry. it wasn't my intention, it was just a doozy of a year for many reasons, both up and down. besides just growing my hair out to an unruly moptop, a lot of shit went down in 2012. a lot. so here goes...some of the things i want to touch on.....firstly, there were some amazingly awesome triumphs, many of which were made with my band, Violet Hour. though we are still small and are mainly doing opening gigs for our friends bands, i couldn't be happier with the things we have done in our first full year together, and also for the fact that i am blessed enough to be in this band with two other amazing women that i consider so much more than bandmates. julie and deb are true and genuine friends that i love like sisters and i look forward to many years of creativity and amazing times to come. there were personal goals that i wanted to achieve as a musician, some very simple that don't seem like much to the more experienced gigging musicians i know, but that mattered very much to me. for instance, i REALLY wanted to play in NYC. its something that never happened in my previous two bands, and that was always a letdown for me. for one reason or another, we just could never make it happen. but it's something that has happened for VH and we've played there many times over and its par for the course now. i also really wanted to start writing songs on guitar because before, in my old bands, i of course wrote all the drum parts, and contributed to the song writing with ideas of themes for lyrics, and structure/arrangement and gave helpful suggestions (add a palm-mute here, play your drill there. haha, its true. my first band- the OKFL- had a song with drill on it. hahahaha) but i'd never really taken a crack at contributing more. so i just did it. i have had a guitar for many years, my trusty south-paw stratocaster that loves me back by hardly ever going out of tune. i've taught myself the basics over the years and one day i just picked it up and made up a riff. and then i gave it to my amazing guitarist and she took it and built it up and it became a bonafide song ("real bad") and then i did it again, and another song happened ("question the rest"). i also reached another goal by beginning to write lyrics and penned the words to both of those songs. while i'm far from a "songwriter," and have absolutely no plans to have some crazy breakout solo shit going on, i have since come up with other riffs and lyrics that are now being worked into new VH material and it made me feel really good to achieve that goal. 2013 is poised to be a big year for us. we have a lot of goals in mind and have set the bar high for ourselves. i can't wait to take on these challenges and grow with my friends into the band we all imagine we can be. aside from the band, there were some other things that happened over the course of the year. i met some really bold and expressive new people that i am happy to have in my life. i recovered my sense of laughter and comedy (and you know, in 2013, i might just take a stab at standup!) and have found that i really, REALLY, love to laugh and be a pure jackass without a care! but on the other side of that there were some truly crushing let-downs and realizations about certain people in my life. it was met with having to come to terms with the fact that their intentions were not in line with mine and that therefore meant that they had either a very limited place in my world or no place at all. i also suffered the loss of my beloved boy, jasper, aka noney, my special kitty who was my first pet that i got on my own. his death hurt a lot, but i know i gave him a really loving four years of life and he knew that i cherished him. the sudden illness that claimed him wasn't my fault (i blamed myself at first) and he is no longer suffering where he is now. after his loss, i was dead set on the fact that i did not want to get another cat, period, and much less a kitten. but then a few months went by and i softened....and a friend's cat just happened to have an adorable litter of all ginger kittens that needed homes. i was still being a grouch about it but after being convinced by my dearest roomie steve, i took the last little fluff ball to leave the nest and welcomed a new little boy into my home and heart. i have been filled with joy by my rambunctious little red-headed hell raiser, thomas, who is now 5 months old (and who just learned what the dreaded spray bottle is!) life certainly has a funny way of holding surprises in the wings. 2012 saw a particularly huge change for me as i left my job of more than 11 years suddenly in march. it gave me a sense of purpose, responsibility, and identity for many years. i was known amongst my colleagues as being a driven (if not wacky) and career focused individual who loved what i did (retail management/logistics) and wasn't afraid to be daring and bold in the workplace. i was also known amongst friends for being the kid with the "weird" schedule, having spent more than 5 years working overnight. i loved it at first. but as the years dragged on, i secretly started to hate it, and my health began to deteriorate. i faced a lot of health problems in 2011 and after two leaves of absence to sort things out, i tried valiantly to recover, bounce back, and continue working like nothing was wrong, but i just couldn't do it anymore. i knew i was in serious trouble in the early part of the winter but i tried to soldier forward, even though i knew i was continuing to grow weaker as more and more time passed. i did really try, but on march 12th, at approximately 6:15am, after a particularly grinding and very difficult night, i made the choice not so much as to give up, but as to preserve myself and walk away with dignity. i turned in my keys to HR, called my boss to say goodbye, and went home on that icy morning without looking back. i haven't worked since that day. i made that choice for many reasons, my health being first and foremost, and because i needed to get back to myself. in all that time of driving myself to the point of mental and emotional exhaustion, putting my career ahead of everything else, i lost a lot. i know i did it to myself, but it still didn't make it any easier. i rarely saw friends or family and never participated in holidays, i was unable to maintain a relationship with a significant other, and i gradually pulled further and further away from my creative side which hurt more than i ever knew it could. i wasn't painting anymore. i wasn't taking any photographs. i wasn't making any new work at all and every time i was asked to participate in an art show, i cobbled together old work or threw together something new on the fly. i hadn't touched my drums or guitar since early 2007. the realization of exactly what i had done to myself came in late 2010 when i was asked to audition as a bassist for a band and i had to turn them down. i mean, i'm an AWFUL bassist, i can play the  basics on the thing, but i pretty much royally suck at it, so i did them a favor by not joining. haha. i really turned them down, not because i'm no damn "real" bass player, but because my work just wouldn't allow for it. i missed playing music so much i literally wanted to cry on the rare occasion i got to see a live band play [previously-before overnight- going to shows had been a huge part of my social life] but i couldn't fathom sacrificing my forward drive in my work life to take time out for myself to do something that i loved so much. to give something back to myself had become an unacceptable concept. i let that stew in the very very back section of my mind well into 2011, but then near the end of that summer in a chance encounter with an old friend (julie), and in meeting someone new the very next day (deb), i found myself finally in a band again. forming VH was the first step in a chain reaction that eventually led me to walk away from my lifestyle of work-work-work-and then more work. its been nice taking this time to focus on the things i left behind and i've been graced to have had enough savings (and a big enough tax return and disability benefits) to live off of for nearly a year. i know that in 2013, going back to work is a challenge i must face, but i feel i'm in a stronger place to start over again and to not become so absorbed in my career. i'm scared about it to be honest. but i'll make it work. somehow i always do. in all this "getting back to myself" i've become in touch with my emotions again. the health issues i described? i was suffering from crippling depression that made it nearly impossible for me to function on a normal level and left me emotionally vacant with a perpetual blank stare and lack of expression. i have suffered from boughts of depression on and off for most of my life, but it had never been this black or for this long. during the time when i was still working, i slept constantly when i wasn't at work and i could barely even get up and make myself presentable to go in each night. once the shining star and the next in line for a promotion, i was getting coached on my poor performance and down turn in my work and was threatened with a write-up if i didn't show immediate improvement. i of course didn't have any kind of understanding of what was happening to me and it was only later, after my mom stepped in and took me to the hospital where i had an 8 day inpatient stay in june, and 2 months of intense outpatient group therapy, and a major shift in medication, that i began to feel like i wasn't entombed anymore. i look back at early videos of VH performing and i'm there at my drums playing, but barely moving, and with a vapid expression on my face and looking like i'm not even into the music. the first gig we played after i "got back" i was so energized that i was literally bouncing off the walls the whole time. my drumming has been better than ever and i couldn't be happier about that. aside from that, getting back in touch with my emotions hasn't been all sunny and roses. an undercurrent of intense anger ran just below the surface most of the summer and fall and was building. it peeked its head out on a few occasions to a select few people, who very graciously let me go off on more than one vicious tirade and still continued to be my friend after i was done. but things finally came to a head just a month ago, when my family suffered a major crisis. my dad, the old buzzard as i affectionately refer to him as (and he to me as "dolly"), literally died the day after thanksgiving. don't get alarmed though, he's not still dead. he went into cardiac arrest while out grocery shopping with my mom. he was extremely fortunate, we all were, that things went how they did. my mom is a nurse and trained EMT. she immediately called 911 and started performing CPR after a good samaritan helped her move him into position. the paramedics were there in under 90 seconds and they shocked him and he came back. he was quickly brought to the hospital and placed in ICU for observation. he wasn't out of the woods obviously, and underwent double bypass surgery a few days after that, but he is recovering now and doing well. facing this has brought many emotions to the surface, and a lot of rage (i literally lost it in the hospital on the eve of his operation and exploded in front of my family and the whole cardiac unit; i bitterly stormed out of the building loudly cursing his name and declaring i didn't care if he lived or died) we had a very difficult and brutal relationship for many, many years, for my whole life really up until i was 25 or so. as i've grown older, in my late 20s and now into my 30s, we have struggled to build a closeness that has never really existed before. it was so much more difficult to handle this happening than i ever thought it would be. when i was growing up it was hard. he was nasty. he was mean. he lacked empathy towards me. he didn't seem to care about the things that mattered to me at all. he thought i was weird and didn't know how to relate to me [in the very early days too he had a tough time with me being gay]. he tried to support me in the things i did [he was the cook in the hamburger stand at pretty much all of my high school football games because i was in marching band and the band parents were in charge of running it. and he did pick out and purchase my first drumset for me for christmas in 1995. i was so excited. that still ranks as the #1 christmas of my life] but still we struggled to get along. what really made things so awful and worsened things to truly epic proportions is that he drank to frightening levels of intoxication on a daily basis and unleashed more than a few harsh verbal tirades and beatings on me over the years because he's a scary, angry drunk. and one who had no problem smacking the shit out of his kids to get a point across. i never, ever, resorted to the teenage pranks and experimentation that many of my friends did because i was nothing short of terrified of him and what he would do if i stepped out of line. i wish i had had a lot of those youthful experiences of screwing up and making mistakes but i was too scared to try anything of the sort. in short, he was never the dad i wanted or needed him to be. i never understood why he couldn't be a good dad to me and why he couldn't accept the person i was. i still don't understand. that is the point of contention i have now. the dilemma i face because we both have very different memories of what happened in my youth. he has never thought he has a problem with alcohol and still doesn't to this day (as he loudly explained to the clerk at the liquor store the other day how they tried to get him to do detox in the hospital. "i'm no fukking alcoholic!" it was incredibly uncomfortable for me to hear that). because of that, i really don't think he knows (or even remembers given the fact that he was drunk so many of those scary nights) just what he did to me. i'm unclear of how to resolve my anger and disappointment in him because at this point, i really and truly do not think it would be a productive dialogue to have with him. at all. he doesn't remember any of it to begin with, and the one time i tried to bring it up to him in reference to probably the worst beating of my life, he seemed befuddled and said "well i only knocked you around a little bit" and just didn't seem to even recall what had actually happened; it was un-fathomable to him. it is a conundrum. its not new to me, i've grappled with it with varying degrees of success for many years. it just seems so much more present now because he was almost gone for good. i don't know how that would make me feel. its been a challenge to maintain my emotions and keep them in check. i'm not a kid anymore, i'm going to be thirty two on my next birthday, and i need to think about laying some of these old skeletons to rest so i can get on with my life in an emotionally productive way. there is also much anger in relation to my mom surrounding these issues and her role in things, but i won't go into that. i've talked to her several times, she does not take accountability for what she did (or rather did not) do back then (i used to pray and pray she would divorce him), and i have no choice but to accept that because she isn't going to change her thoughts on the situation. as for my dad, i haven't found the answer to these questions yet, and it is an ongoing search, but it will come to conclude at some point. i'm sure of that. and for those who didn't know why, now you know why i have a very very strong aversion to drinking, and why i maintain 100% sobriety in my life. i won't life my life that way, and i don't have to.

soooooo....at this point, i could keep going, i can just keep writing and writing when i get going (i never had a problem writing papers in college) but i'll wrap it up here. i should really think about writing a novel some day! haha. sure there are plenty of other things to ramble about but i feel ok about what i have gotten down. if you've read this far, thank you. you are a friend. whether i know you in person or not, you are a kind soul to have read this far. i'm excited for 2013. i have some plans forming. i have some goals in mind. i'll be writing more. i'll be photographing things and painting again. i have some visual projects brewing in the cogs of my mind that i'm anxious to try. i'll be back to working (maybe not full time at first). i'll be continuing to create music with awesome people. i'll also be traveling down the path for continued health, well-being, and answers. i will have healthy people in my life that i will be honest with and expect honesty from. i'll keep learning how to regulate my emotions. i'll love my family, friends, and kittys. and....i'll most likely keep the mop-top growing to epically out of control levels. hahahahahaha. peace people.

xo

-hoos

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++