a blog about stuff. random stuff. rad stuff. stuff i like. art stuff. music stuff. stuff i'm involved in. good stuff.

Friday, November 22, 2013

magic bullet theory

john fitzgerald kennedy


35th president of the united states


anyone who knows me or reads this blog knows that i'm a fukkin dork to like thee extreme. hahaha. and for those of you who know me "in real life" know that one of the subjects i dork out about most is JFK or more specifically, his assassination. this year being the fiftieth anniversary of that fateful day, i thought i'd do up a post on random shit about it and my thoughts and all. i don't really have a plan right now cuz there is SO MUCH info about it out there its overwhelming. i know a lot of it but i don't want to get too crazy with it and make it a million miles long so i'm just gonna go with the flow and post what comes to me as it comes. haha.

and also, just a note, even though he only served a short time in office a lot of shit went down during that time [my mom loves to tell me how her eleventh bday occurred during the cuban missile crisis in october 1962] but...i'm not really going to talk all that much about his presidency, things he did right or wrong or whatever. this is more just to talk about random things i found interesting surrounding him or the assassination. i'm not a political scientist and am not aiming to analyze his track record or motives.

so...yeah, here goes...


i'm not a crazy conspiracy theorist. like...i'm not one of those people who thinks the aliens are kidnapping people and doing tests in the middle of the night. i don't think courtney love had anything to do with kurt cobain's death. i don't think president obama wasn't really born here or that he staged aurora and newtown so he could ban guns. and i def don't think that there were "no planes" on 9/11. but i do think there are conspiracies out there and there is tons of shit we aren't being, or haven't been, told. and on top of that list, at least for me, is the assassination of JFK. i mean, if you really just take a step back from it for a minute, not even a big step, just a small one, you'll see that there are soooo many inconsistencies with the "official" version of events. that is mind boggling and that fact alone has "conspiracy" written all over it, duh!

i'm not going to go into all that much detail here, cuz i could be at it for DAAAAYS if i do. and honestly i need brush back up on some things cuz i haven't read a lot on it over the past few years. haha. but i mean to me, you have to be a moron to believe that only one person acted that day and three shots were fired but only two bullets [because one "missed"] did all that damage to two different men, as texas governor john connally was also [non-fatally] shot that day. magic bullet eh? crap, that's what i say! hahaha. i know that the people who believe this theory and also that lee harvey oswald acted alone, including our own government, have brought in all kinds of experts to say that it could have happened and that it def did, but i don't buy it and i never will.

you don't have to be an expert or really even know much at all about guns and ballistics to know that some bullet isn't going to just zig-zag all over the place, change directions at will, puncture that much tissue, hitting ribs and thick bones [the governors wrist] along the way, and then later fall out on its own on a stretcher at the hospital almost completely intact [did i mention the hitting BONES part???] you also don't have to be a forensics genius to know that when an object is struck from the front, it falls backwards. if JFK had been hit by a shot from the sixth floor of the texas school book depository, from the angle the official report said LHO shot from, he would have slumped forwards, not back. if LHO was in fact shooting from the sixth floor, why didn't he take the head-on shot as the limo came directly towards him and the window while it was traveling on houston street? he would have had a much better shot before the limo made the turn onto elm street and it would have been much easier to hit his target. but according to official reports, he waited til the limo made the turn around the corner onto elm st, which was a weird angle for someone perched in that particular window and oh yeah there was that pesky friggen tree that would have been in his line of site...yeah.....anyway....i feel myself starting to ramble! hahaha

i mean there are so many theories floating around out there, there are disputes on how many gunmen there were or who ordered it to happen: the mafia, the cubans, VP lyndon johnson so he could be president, the soviets [of course it was the commies!!!] that it was religiously motivated cuz he was catholic, j.edgar hoover hated him so he did it, allen dulles* was pissed JFK fired him as head of the CIA, or the big one, the whopper, the most preposterous one i've come across, that JFK himself ordered his own death so he could die a martyr [i read that a long time ago but i couldn't find a current link to it. that's even better than the one about kurt cobain's left handed guitar killing him. hahaha] just google and you'll see, there are some pretty crazy ones out there.

i don't buy any of those, i stick with the most logical, which is the one brought up in the oliver stone film JFK** that he was eliminated because he wanted to pull us out of vietnam. at the time we were there in an "advisory" role and not engaging in active combat [even though, yeah we actually were] but were ramping up to go in further which JFK was against it's their war, they're the ones who have to win it or lose it. as the film goes on to state that war is big business and "no war, no money" i can't think of any sentiment more true...or more of a motive to get him out of the way. his assassination wasn't the work of some lone wack-nut, this was serious business worth a lot of damn money and the only people powerful enough to carry off something like that and then cover it up was the CIA.

again, i'm not going to explore a lot of detail cuz i mean, i will go on forever and ever. i know, i'm sure you are all dying to know what i think about the CIA connection to it all, hahaha, but for a good primer on the subject, give the film a watch, then look up some stuff and you will get a good idea of it. also on the randomy list below there is a book to check out on the same theory. there are so many intricacies to things too and so many players involved and so many bits of info that it would be lost here in this format. but i do wonder, if this had happened today in the world we live in now, what would have been different? i don't think there would be any questions as to who was in the sixth floor window or on the grassy knoll, if anyone, or anything like that. there would also be so many images, our senses would be overloaded. i really don't think in a digitized world, were everything is recorded somehow, everything is tracked and monitored to the second, that something like this could have been pulled off so successfully. it is an interesting concept to think about.

the government eventually started to realize that their story and their "findings" from the rushed and botched warren commision report, which was headed chief justice earl warren and was assembled by president johnson to investigate the assassination, were crap cuz in 1976 the house select committee on assassinations was established to investigate the assassination further [see below where i talk about the zapruder film. the committee also investigated the slaying of martin luther king jr] they concluded their investigation in 1978 and ruled that JFK was most likely assassinated as part of a conspiracy, but did not name any one group or organization likely to be the culprits. all documents relating to this investigation were supposed to be sealed for fifty years but in 1992 the assassination records review board was established to open some of these documents after the public went nuts when the film JFK was released in 1991. even so, there are over 12,000 documents still sealed. here is a FAQ sheet on the national archives stuff available.

*interesting to note, mr. allen dulles was a member of the warren commission. idk but that just kinda seems like oh a uh slight, conflict of interest to be investigating the death of a guy who fired you. but hey, that's just me talking here.

**one of my fav lines of the movie JFK is when creepy david ferrie frantically declares that "the shooters don't even fucking know!" insinuating that this is so far up the chain of command and so far reaching, that contract killers were brought in and just told to aim but not who they were aiming at and that the killers themselves didn't know who had hired them.


ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country from his 1961 inaugural address is arguably his most famous quote, but my fav was delivered at rice university in sept.1962

             we choose to do these things, not because they are easy but because they are HARD



-----his presidency lasted exactly 1036 days, which is just shy of three years
-----sixteen songs that honor JFK
-----while texas governor john connally never publicly disputed the findings of the warren commission, he was known to have doubts about the "single bullet theory" for the remainder of his life. get more info on what happened to the other man caught in the crossfire of this shooting.
-----for my 23rd bday, my mom bought me a copy of the official warren commission report. it points the finger entirely at LHO of course, and is a big fan of the "single bullet theory" so naturally, i didn't care for it all that much. haha.
-----for christmas i think last year or the year before, my mom got me the stephen king novel 11.22.63 which involved time travel and alternate future realities that could have happened if JFK hadn't been killed [maine becomes a part of canada? huh?] it also posited LHO acted alone and even saw the protagonist of the book attempt to stop LHO while he was supposedly on the sixth floor. it was awful. so so awful. if anyone but SK had written it, the publisher would have laughed in the author's face at the badness of it. ugh.
-----a weird video about the so called umbrella man haha
-----JFK is one of my favorite movies. i find the opening sequence layered with images and snippets from eisenhower's farewell speech warning us of the "military industrial complex" to be so powerful. i especially love right when it goes to the part as JFK is about to get shot and the scottish drumline kicks in...man, they are some EPICALLY amazing drummers. even on my best day, i can't hold a handle to them. if i'm not mistaken the drummers in question are the royal scots dragoon guards which is a calvary regiment of the british army. this style of drumming is referred to as "pipe drumming" because it usually is accompanied by bagpipes. where i went to high school, our marching band played pipe style music and i played snare drum for two years. after high school i played in another pipe and drum band for a time too. in either setting we never played something as hard or badass as this intro tho; these are some seriously talented drummers for sure. on my best day, i don't have half the chops these guys have! shit! take a listen below... [i couldn't find a clip of the opening sequence prior to the drum parts with the opening montage. grrrr]

-----the music for the film was composed by the brilliant john williams who is the man responsible for the star wars themes as well as indiana jones, schindler's list, saving private ryan and scores of others. the man came up with "the imperial march" aka darth vader's theme. clearly, he is a genius
-----five wild JFK conspiracy theories
-----there are soooo many videos about this subject on youtube i need to watch. i may never leave my house again. hahaha.
-----i recently picked up two new books [well new to me, they were in the bargain bin! haha] JFK-the CIA, vietnam, and the plot to assassinate john f. kennedy by l.flecher prouty who himself was a proponent of the, as i call it, "no war, no money" theory of elimination and who is the basis of "mr. x" in the film JFK. the other is forty ways to look at JFK by gretchen rubin. at first i thought it was a volume edited by her with forty different authors, but it is forty essays by her. topics covered how he presented himself, a circumstance that shaped him, and his view of himself. she also obviously touches on the assassination.
-----"mr.x" is responsible for another of my favorite lines from the movie "it started in the wind" in reference to the idea of offing the president just started in a simple conversation, as an idea
-----whenever i see those old records of presidential speeches at the thrift store i pick them up mainly cuz i'm a dweeb. haha. at first i thought they might be worth a few bucks if i put them up on ebay but they really aren't, they're just something cool to have for fifty cents. haha
-----is there a kennedy curse? idk, maybe...didn't one of them ski into a tree?
-----i really do believe that if he himself had not been assassinated as well, JFK's younger brother robert would have won the presidential election in 1968
------he had addison's disease which is a disorder of the adrenal glands
-----yeah, i think he totally banged marilyn monroe but idk if i would go so far as to say he was involved in her death
-----my version of heaven is this: when i die, i will have revealed to me every mystery, every unsolved case i've wondered about, i will get to see anything in history as it actually happened. first on my list of what i want to see is this.
-----though you can argue that it is just a piece of clothing, one of the most iconic parts or really images of the assassination still to this day is the pink chanel suit that the first lady was wearing at the time. the role of the suit, and of the president's blood spattered on it and jackie were quite significant to the perception of the events.


 in the postal service song "sleeping in" ben gibbard sings:

last week i had the strangest dream
where everything was exactly how it seemed

where there was never any mystery
of who shot john f kennedy
 it was just a man with something to prove,
slightly bored and severely confused
 he steadied his rifle with his target in the center
and became famous on that day in november

he really had me with those opening two lines about the dream and all but then when he got to the JFK bit it made me angry. haha. for real the first time i heard that song, i was steamed at his apparently ignorant dismissal of the subject and making it seem so trivial and like some guy was just bored and wanted to get famous for doing something drastic* i know it isn't a big deal, it is just a silly song, but every time i hear it i get a little annoyed even still. hahaha.

*though shooting the president to impress an actress you're obsessed with like in the case of john hinckley jr. shooting ol ronny raygun to get jody foster's attention, now that is prime snotty lyrics territory. hahahaha. i wonder what mr. hinckley's thoughts are on her being a lesbian. oh snap! hahahahahahahahahahaha


though the images from the famed zapruder film captured by abraham zapruder seem ubiquitous to us now, and they are out there for anyone to watch and study, there was a time when the frames were off limits to the public and under strict copyright. it is hard to imagine that now, not having instant access to images, since we now live in a media obsessed society where the news outlets shovel content onto us non stop and seemingly everyone has the ability to take pictures and vidoes of anything and everything around them whenever and wherever they want; something so life shattering as an attack on the president would have been intensely documented by the second as it unfolded. while black and white still frames were made available to the public in life magazine, who purchased the film from mr. zapruder for $150,000 immediately following the assassination, the actual film was not shown "in motion" in its entirety to a wide audience for over a decade. bootleg copies of poor quality were in circulation as early as the latter half of the 60s but i'm sure they were of pretty dubious origin and quality.

in finding it's way to the public, it was first shown in 1970 on a chicago area program "underground news" with chuck collins and was also syndicated to a few other cities. from what i've read, it didn't make a huge impact at the time. however, the real outrage came in 1975 when it was broadcast on network tv for the first time on abc's late-night show "good night america" [which was hosted by geraldo rivera] it reached a much larger audience, who for the first time, could actually see the assassination happening in front of them. its not surprising then that public opinion started to shift away from the LHO lone gunman theory to a conspiracy and cover up. in response to this outcry, the above mentioned house select committee on assassinations was created to look into matters further.

it seems soooooo insane and foreign now that something as crucial as footage of the assassination of the president would take TWELVE YEARS to get widespread broadcast on network television, but the world in 1963 was not one of social media, surveillance cameras, and cell phones that can take HD videos. it also was a different time in terms of what could/would be shown in print media and on tv. abraham zapruder himself asked for "frame 313" to be left out of magazine printings because of the graphic nature of the moment when kennedy's head exploded and i believe that they weren't even color printings so really, they weren't all that bad. funny how in fifty years, things have changed so much that we can take seeing such shocking things as someone getting their head blown off as common place and we can spread images of such like wild fire within seconds of events happening.

[regarding him asking for frame 313 to remain out of printings, i'm unclear in my readings if zapruder himself still retained some control over the copyright and how it could be used even though time/life owned the actual film. i know it shifted back and forth between the zapruder family and time/life and i think the fbi and/or other government agencies a few times so who knows who had the final say. the physical film itself entered the national archives in the 1970s but the zapruder family must have retained control over it from that time because oliver stone had to pay them $85,000 to use it in JFK. idk, i think i just need to do more reading and take some notes on it to sort it out]

frame 313 the infamous moment of the "head shot"

-----there were other home movies shot that day, but this film by far holds the most evidence, gives the clearest picture of the events happening, and is the most well known. i have a dvd somewhere where all the films are edited together as best as possible to kind of create a seamless chain of events. it was an interesting perspective.
-----there are also allegations that parts of and/or all of the zapruder film were doctored or were outright fake. the wiki link above touches on that a little. i don't really think that is true.
-----through the use of updated digital technology the film has been cleaned up a lot. there are very vivid and more detailed versions now widely available. though there is only so much detail you can glean from something based on 1960s tech


the first time i saw this image in a book, i couldn't help but chuckle at it's irreverantness and really at it's pure genius; i think what really put it over the top for me was the dead kennedys logo sneakily placed into the background. i wasn't able to find a larger version of this online, cuz the original was def bigger. i also have not been able to come up with the artists name, which stinks cuz i'd really like to know who had the idea for this but idk, guess i'll have to keep looking. anyway, the original image was captured two days after the assassination when LHO was being transferred from the dallas jail to another holding facility. before the transfer could be completed, jack ruby pushed his way through the crowd of police officers and reporters and fatally shot LHO in the stomach. at the time, who would have known it would be possible to doctor photographs like this and make them into a total parody so perfectly? both of my parents have said they remember seeing this happen on live television [my mom was twelve and my dad was fourteen at the time] and both of them have also expressed disapproval at this doctored image, finding it disrespectful.
though jack ruby maintained that he murdered LHO "to spare jackie kennedy from having to go through the pain of a trial," many conspiracy theorists have posited that ruby had far more sinister reasons. it has been speculated that ruby had actually known LHO for some time and that he himself was involved in the assassination plot and was silencing LHO as part of the overall plan. he would go on to die from cancer related complications in 1967 [which some other conspiracy people will tell you is cuz he was poisoned or "injected with cancer" idk about that one...]
it is an interesting contrast in that just above i talked about the zapruder film not being shown until the 70s but that when LHO was murdered, it was being broadcast on live television. just odd the way things happened to play out in that sense. things might have very well worked out differently if there were tv crews there in dealey plaza when the shooting took place.
as an aside, it completely wouldn't be me if i weren't to point out that mr. ruby is "playing" his guitar left handed. hahaha. 
arriving at love field, dallas. less than an hour after this was taken, he would be dead. i do believe this appeared in life magazine immediately after the assassination. i love the vivid colors of the sky, roses, and jackie's pink chanel suit. i had a copy of it hanging in my bedroom while i was in college.
lee harvey oswald was at the time, and still is, painted as a monster, a traitor, a loser, and a wacko, among many other things. i mean, i have never really completely ruled out in my mind that he definitively didn't have anything to do with the assassination. he most likely did, but i think at a very low level and that he prob didn't really shoot anyone. i think he was exactly what he said he was, a patsy, promised all sorts of things by whoever masterminded the plot, but in the end, was left to be the one to take the fall. in any case, he was a complicated character who had interesting relationships and alleged alliances with some not-so-savory people. he defected to the soviet union in 1959 and then came back in 1961 which definitely raised alarm and some people who believed he was solely responsible said was part of the fuel to the fire in why he shot kennedy. though conversely he was reported to have been aligned with anti-communist groups at points in his life. again, so many confusing connections! aaaah!!!! 
but what i will say, in all the negative-ness that encircles him, and probably always will, people forget that he left behind a young widow and two daughters that were toddlers at the time; his younger daughter, audrey wasn't even a year old. i can't imagine what it must have been like to grow up like that, not knowing your father to begin with and then the whole world hating him on top of it so no one would ever tell you anything nice about him. both of his daughters and his widow are still alive today. 
lyndon johnson being sworn in as the 36th president aboard air force one. u.s. district judge sarah hughes performed the grim ceremony. she has the distinction of being the lone woman to have ever sworn in a united states president. LBJ with his wife lady bird johnson to his right and jackie still in her pink, bloodied suit to his left. jackie remained wearing the suit for the rest of the day stating "i want them to see what they have done to jack" this remains as one of the most iconic and haunting images of the twentieth century.
this image is another that is burned into the american memory. little JFK Jr salutes his father's coffin as it rode by, drawn by horse and carriage. what makes it even more heartbreaking is the realization that instead of celebrating his third birthday on 11/25/1963, like he was supposed to, JFK Jr attended his father's funeral and was captured in this timeless photograph paying his final respects.
and there you have it! hope you enjoyed it, maybe learned something from it. idk. i will be back at it soon with a "regular" post yo!
fin  xo- hoos

Friday, November 15, 2013

hot tin heart



i took the top "tragedy" photo in san francisco in the summer of 2005 and have always loved it for it's simple defiance in letting you know, "yeah, we know what's up." anyway, while i was there, it was the only sticker i saw by that tagger, so imagine my surprise when i was perusing random music blogs the other day, some eight years later, to see the bottom image of another snarky sticker from the same person. i'm not sure when the picture was taken as i couldn't retrieve any of the metadata but the post is dated january 2012. the blog i found it on the post punk progressive pop party [itself a tribute to a 1970s radio show from hofstra university] looked pretty rad but seems it wasn't updated all that often and to have unfortunately gone defunct earlier this year. given that fact, i didn't think i'd get any info from them so i decided to do a little google investigation and typed in both phrases and i got a few hits for images; two different versions of the "record" were even on a pintrest board [i don't get pintrest and have never used it. haha] i also came across two more phrases....

 hahahaha. while i can see a political message coming from the "tragedy" sticker, albeit a cheeky one, the other three seem to be just 100% silly and clearly in jest. wellllll....maybe the space lasers could be talking about the extravagance of the space program when life down here on earth is so effed up, but maybe not, who knows. whatever, sometimes a little silliness and snark is all we need to read into something and a deeper meaning isn't really there. and no, thanks for asking, but i DON'T want to be in a porno film with you or anyone for that matter. hahaha.

i am assuming that all the rest of these were also taken in san fran... i'm not 100% certain on that but we'll run with it. haha.

and i will say, my music collection *IS* totally better than yours, i know that for a fact!!! hahaha. i have more music than anyone i know, 37,331 files [180gb] and i'm really good at keeping it maintained and organized so i imagine maybe only 100 of those files are doubles i still haven't weeded out. i'm constantly going over it and making sure it is up to date so i catch doubles here and there. i also have album artwork for the majority of it which was the result of being super bored. haha. i get a little obsessive to say the least. i also have about 20gb of unsorted stuff that i do intend to get to at some point, and i have done it in small chunks, but we shall see when i get around to all of it. i had a prolific collection of cds at one point but once i started going down the digital road about seven or so years ago and i ripped a lot of them, i sold some of them, gave some of them away, and a lot got ruined when my basement flooded in 2011. i do still have all of my vinyl though which is not like crazy...maybe 250-300 records. those are also on the docket to get ripped at some point. soooo much music, soooo little time!!!
-----i'm over the moon with the fact that i discovered a tape and a cd last week of recordings of my first band, the OKFL [overly klothed fat ladies] i plan to get that shit out on the interwebs soon and will have a link to a fb page soon. that band represents so much of my formative years and i just loved playing in it so much and i'm so happy to have that music back to listen to. i've been rocking it non-stop for over a week now! my drumming style was a lot more frantic then, and we played a lot of stuff hard, loud, and at warp speed, and i have learned a lot more about tempo and dynamics, but how i play today is still rooted in that style. for that comparison alone i'm happy to have the stuff to listen to but i admit, the rocking the fukk out to it is almost as good. hahahaha.
-----i'm a compete spazz in the fact that half the damn time, i forget that 2013 is happening right now. what i mean is that i always think that it is somehow 2012 still even though this damn year is almost over. it probably stems from not having a job therefore having less dates to remember and think about.
-----my damn ipod decided it would be cute to erase itself the other day. i was listening to it, then decided to add something to it really quickly and then went back to listen to it again and within five minutes the whole thing had been wiped. idk wtf happened to it. so irrrrritating cuz as i stated above, i have a lot of damn music! though my ipod can't fit all of it at this point. they need to make one bigger than 160gb!!!! yo get on it apple!
-----mogwai has finally announced some north american tour dates but....i think i fukkkkkkin missed getting tix. fuuuuuukkkkkkkkkk. but i'm going to keep my eyes out to see if i can score some off of someone who changed their mind or some shit. i will be so sad if i miss them, they are soooo good. gaaah!!!!
-----i'm officially getting old cuz my dad just retired. hahaha. after forty years in the business, with twenty nine of those being the owner of his own business, my dad has retired from being a diesel mechanic. there is talk that he might get a part-time job and the number one suggestion has been wal-mart greeter cuz he loves to gab [now you know where i get it from!] but apparently they don't have that position anymore. oh well. i wish i knew what he knew about mechanical stuff cuz man he can fix crazy ass shit and he really never went to school for it. he and his older brother [my late uncle tom] just knew instinctively how things worked and how to get them back together again. he's too much of a hardass when it comes to teaching so that's why i never really learned much about it, though i do credit him for my sense of spatial awareness and problem solving abilities. though....now that i think of it, i did get a lesson from him once. when my brother and i were young, we would always get to spend a week "working with dad" every summer so we could "earn" spending money for our yearly trips to the shore, even though it was really just him giving it to us for no real work. haha. once when i was about nine, he brought me under a truck on my own creeper and he showed me how to adjust brakes. all i remember is a lot of grease and wondering how my dad could fit under there with all of his tools to work when i barely could! haha.
-----every so often i forget how incredibly amazing black moth super rainbow is but then fortunately i'm reminded again.
-----i will be having some art happenings occurring in december, and def musical ones too, so stay tuned for details bitches!



okay so i said that i was going to write about bridegroom, but not just another review among a sea of other. more specifically i was going to use it as a framework to write my own story relating in a way to it. and i did, i did write about it at length. but i don't think i want to post it right now. i've always been open about it as part of who i am so many of you know, though some of you may not, but i went thru a similar situation in 2008 when my girlfriend, shellie, passed away suddenly. my experience wasn't quite as harsh as shane bitney crone's in that i was initially allowed to see her in the hospital while she lay comatose for five days; a doctor even came in the room to speak with me knowing that i was not "family," and she gave me an honest answer when i asked "is she going to make it?" however that was later revoked and i was no longer allowed to her room.

her family wasn't completely 100% awful like the bridegroom family was and i went to visit them about year later, but they weren't saints either. i mean, they did things that were certainly NOT fair to me or her devoted friends who she loved so much. i was shut out of things i felt i should have been a part of and was not mentioned in her obituary. she was an incredibly gifted artist but they didn't let me have any of her artwork and in fact asked for loaned paintings back. they didn't let me have any of her personal items and since we didn't live together, all i was left with were pieces of her art she had given me as gifts and a few effects she had at my house. but most sad to me is that they attempted to "de-gay" her memory in their own minds, just like tom's family did to his memory. it makes me crazy to think about so i'm not going to go into any more detail because at this point it just isn't productive anymore.

the film struck a chord in me as a human first, it is an incredibly powerful and poignant look at these two beautiful young men and a love that they shared that was so palpable, you could almost feel it coming off the screen in waves as shane spoke about tom. but it was all the more intense and emotional given my history and A LOT of very strong and potent feelings came bubbling to the surface that i don't think i quite expected. it was impossible not to think about her and what she and i went thru while watching the film, and the part where shane describes seeing tom in the hospital was prob the hardest of all because all i could picture was the alien site of what she looked like, with machines and wires and tubes everywhere and a ventilator moving her chest artificially. that image has long haunted me and stalked me in my dreams. i cried from start to finish while watching, but more so at that part of the film than any other.

i thought it would be easier to tell the story again and in more detail than i had ever done before, but that wasn't the case. i got a lot of it out, but looking back now after more than five years have passed, it of course has become easier to deal with and not be crushed under sorrow every day, but it has in some ways become more complex. different things have happened to me as a person and perspectives have shifted. there are so many things i feel about it, the implications are vast and far reaching. but after reading and re-reading and re-re-reading, i decided to just keep it to myself for now. if at some point in the future i feel like posting what i initially wrote then i will do so at that time.

as part of my healing process i took an odd turn and i went to a psychic not long after she passed because i felt i could get answers there. it was one of the best steps i took because it made me feel a lot better. the woman i went to was very accurate and told me things she had absolutely no way of knowing. some people thought i was nuts, but it gave me a start in trying to move on and find closure. one of the most interesting things she told me is that our spirits had always known each other and that was very true, i felt like i always knew shellie, just forever. before time existed and certainly long before i actually met her in this life. idk. i'm not super spiritual but it made so much sense. she said we had a "bond above love" and that has always stayed with me. shane and tom absolutely had that too and their hearts and spirits were and will always be intertwined.


hmmm....take 2

[as i typed this, i realized it was quickly turning into an old skooool style rant that i would have banged out for any of the number of zines i made in my youth. i decided to run with it and let it go in all its snarky and irreverent glory! i did however try to-sort of- break it up into semi paragraphs. enjoy my tirade! hahaha]

i mentioned above that not really ascribing a lot of meaning to something is okay sometimes. and you know what, i think that is true. meaning and context can be very important, but at the same time, things can exist in the world and in a particular space with no real overly wrought idea or concept. i thought about that a bit and it brought to mind a person that i met within the past year that seemed so insistent on putting a meaning to absolutely e v e r y t h i n g to the point of being really super annoying. like every last thing i said or did or showed them turned into a discussion on the deeper meaning behind it all. and like stupid shit, not even serious shit. like why do i do a blog? to explore the inner reaches of my tortured soul and to pour my feelings into the keys of my computer and reach out to the masses with my message of hope? no, i'm a grown up zine making kid who still has tons of shit to say even though i'm going grey now [hahaha] and i like to babble about randomness, that's why! why did i wear my plaid hat today instead of my solid one? oh because i wanted to express my sadness of not being scottish and my deep desire to fit into their culture? no, because i fukkin grabbed the plaid one first, shit!

in my life as an artist, and especially in my time as a photography student years back, i have had the [dis]pleasure of hearing plenty of windbag explanations on what shit "meeeeeeeeans" and how some god awful, shitty ass, blurry black and white under-exposed photo of your dog somehow "speaks" to the suffering of all animals or some other equally loaded concept. it can be just a snap of your dog, really, that is okay, i promise. one of my favorite critiques [i refused to ever be one of those douches who called them "crits"] of all time entailed a rather interesting character* from my class who also happened to be a ridiculously terrible and unskilled photographer, try to explain his "connection to the spirit world" through his despicably bland and poorly executed photographs of grave stones for his final project. fukkin crappy ass grave stones, really? listening to our professor cut him off at the knees brought me such smug satisfaction. hahahaha. and whatever, i was a straight A student so i could be a little smug from time to time. hahaha. [just for reference for that same class, my final project, i took pictures of abandoned stores/store fronts with toy cameras and obsolete film formats that nobody else in the entire program was touching-the class was a 35mm intro to color photography- and why? idk, it just seemed like an interesting thing to do. i didn't have some agenda behind it, some underlying critique of the failures of capitalism, and i certainly wasn't trying to "transcend" or "connect" with anything. i just did it. that's it. haha]

 [boy do i sound bloody ARROGANT in this rant! hahahaha]

anyway, i digress. in my life as an artist and musician, of course i explore plenty of things that have deeper meaning to me. especially in taking on writing a lot more lyrics now that i'm the lead singer of my band, i touch on a lot of things that are very meaningful to me, but i'm sure at some point i'll write some random shit that is just for the heck of it. i explore images in my visual work that sometimes have a great deal of thought in them and other times, i make something because i enjoy the way it looks and feels to me. i'm nooooooooot implying that everything should mean nothing and life is just some fukking sinkhole of nothingness....perhaps what i mean is that the right things should have meaning and all the rest is really just random shit so get over it! hahahaha and that concludes this teenage rant. that was fun. don't be mad at me. hahaha.
[it is also kind of funny that i included both of these topics in my "hmmm" section because they are sort of really contrary to each other. what can i say? i'm a conundrum! hahahaha]

*i give you no other description than we referred to him as "serpent" and/or "the serpent troll motherfukker" you can draw your own conclusions from those classy monikers. hahaha.



on an on ghosts [this song gives me the chills and has brought me to tears on multiple listenings. it touches inside of me it is just that good. the simplicity of the music, nothing fancy, no frills, especially juxtaposed with the vocal delivery and lyrics, it really, not to be cheesy and play on the "ghost" reference, haunts a part of me. i always try to sing along to it but its not really in my range so i sound very a-tonal but i don't care, i do it anyway. hahaha]


Saturday, November 2, 2013

good kids never win

i recently had the pleasure of participating in the 2013 digable arts fest in hoboken. i always love to do this event because i get to see some really amazing art and meet rad people along the way. the night we all went in to set up our stuff, i took a peak at what one of my neighbors was hanging and i was def interested and intrigued. i loved what i was seeing come to life on the walls, these paintings were shouting for my attention. my eye was grabbed by the stark quality of the work with it's edgy undertones [see the top pic which was my absolute fav of the bunch] and splashes of bright color; the faces at once familiar but taking on a whole new life and context of their own. the work was courtesy of relative new-comer to the scene, yasmin alcantara. in the artists own words:
 i am a child of the 90s. i grew up watching nirvana on mtv, having horror movie marathons on friday nights by myself, and reading comic books like my life depended on it. these images and icons have been burned into my subconscious. rock stars, advertising, packaging. hollywood, fast food, the internet, facebook, and reality tv. american mass culture is shaping my life, and is a vital component of my creative process
it is about, among other things, reduction: the reduction of the personality into logo, the reduction of  individuality into the collective
while my own working methodologies are different, i can very much relate to drawing images and concepts from the world and culture around me; my work is very much influenced by the questioning of norms and then warping them back thru replication and degradation of those traditions. she is def an artist i want to keep my eyes on for future work and shows. i will shout them out on here for sure and you can find out more about her on her webpage pop art by yaz which has a gallery [i loooove the abe lincoln piece she has up!] more info, and links to her social media. scope it!
 -----i love me some sebadoh, like a lot. haha. so when i found out that they were going to be releasing their first album of new material in fourteen years, i was excited for sure! when i got my hands on defend yourself i admit was a little apprehensive because i mean, they already had some great records under their belt: bubble and scrape, bakesale, harmacyafter all this time could they make something that would stand tall with those titles? my fears were quickly put to rest because it really is a killer collection. the guitar work shines throughout tho as far as favorites i liked more of the tracks from the early part of the record, the third, fourth, and fifth tracks, "beat," "defend yr self," and "oxygen" respectively being my favs. oh yeah and track number six, the instrumental, "once" too.  "beat" is my fav of the whole record prob cuz i really love the seeming desperation and urgency of it and the echoeyness of the vocals in particular. i love me some echoey effects like augustus gloop loves himself some cake yo. haha. you suckaz def need to check this shit out. i don't think i'm going to be catching them this time around on their tour tho cuz i've seen them twice already and i gotta be saving the cash flow...but maybe. we shall see. 
-----its been a little while since i mentioned my band and that's cuz we didn't play much over the summer due to mass business and our guitarist extraordinaire planning her wedding and then getting married, but in the last month we have been hard at work and it has been crazy rad! we're making tons of progress and it has been really awesome playing with a bassist again. we're revamping older songs and working on newer ones which i always get excited about. i'm getting the hang of singing and drumming at the same time more and more with each passing week and in some ways it has been easier than i thought it would be though it still is challenging. i haven't had to dumb down my playing really at all which is a huge relief though i do have to be more mindful in a way to make all the words fit in with what my hands are doing... though oddly, my left foot hasn't seemed to been a problem at all. hmmm. anyway, i will be using some effects and distortion on my voice and we're still ironing that out and figuring what is gonna sound best cuz between the three of us, we have tons of effects pedals to fool around with. we remain unnamed but once we get to that, you know i will be 100% sure to shout it from the mountain tops and get our web presence going in full force. hahaha.  and really, i can't wait til we start gigging again, cuz i misssss it sooooo much. but just a few more months and we will be ready so stay tuned!!!
-----oooo i'm haaappppyyyy cuz warpaintjust announced that they have a new self-titled album coming out in january. damn its about time, its been three years since the fool came out. i can't wait for this shit, i lurrrrv them. haha. you can read all about it here. at that link, you can also hear the new single "love is to die" its not too shabby if i do say so myself.
-----speaking of being VERY happy that a new record is coming down the pike and a new track to whet the appetite, mogwai is ALSO releasing a new album the same day in january, rave tapes. they have released the first single "remurdered" which has a decidedly strong electro-ish tone to it, but it remains as solid, elusive, and cryptic as ever an excellent mogwai track would be. i'm over the moon for this cuz they are one of my faaaaaaaaaav bands of all time. if this new slab is anything like hardcore will never die but you will  then it will be pure, pure love from me cuz i just adore that record. it is some of their best material as far as i'm concerned. i am slightly disappointed though because while they have announced a bunch of european and uk tour dates, some of which are already sold out, they have nothing slated for the states at this time. hopefully that will be changing cuz i reallllllly want to see them again. i saw them in 2008 and it was so unbelievably good, they were incredible live, one of the best performances i've seen of any band, and i've seen a shit ton of bands in my day. haha.
-----you bitches need to know, like for real, i love me some cran raspberry juice. shit son! and while it isn't the most fabulous thing on the face of the planet for me to drink, it is a heck of a lot better than soda which remains my lifelong vice.
-----i was driving my mom home from work the other day and i had been listening to some dj shadow. i was wondering if i should change it to something she would like better but then i thought, "what the hell, she can take it" haha. after a few songs she deemed it "not that bad" and she said "building steam with a grain of salt" was her fav track which i figured would be cuz of the piano riff; she loves piano stuff. i of course rambled to her about his history and about the making of entroducing and how it had come from all samples of other records which i'm sure she found endlessly fascinating. hahaha. my mom is pretty rad like that cuz i babble at her about all kinds of shit that she has no clue about and she always makes nice and listens. but i guess, that is what a mom is for afterall. haha
-----i've been watching a lot of documentaries lately and aside from the one on british porn addicts, i think i've learned worthwhile stuff. hahaha. i watched a few on the obesity epidemic and over the course of them, sugar has been mentioned as a main culprit, even over fat. i want to look into this more cuz it is def intriguing and most likely true. given my love of coca-cola and sweets in general, this would prob be a good thing to be educated about. i also want to read the book pure white and deadly by john yudkin which came up a few times in my viewings. it came out in the early 1970s and the sugar industry freaked and denied everything in it and basically discredited him and made him out to be a quack. if there is nothing to worry about, why then did they spazz and try to ruin him and his findings? hmmmmmm....
if you haven't seen bridegroom yet, you really need to. i was going to write it up in this spot but i have decided that given the tone and length of what i have already written,  i am going to be devoting an entire post to my reaction to the documentary. i still have to go over and kind of process some things and emotions, because those of you who know me know that it hits extremely close to home for me. i should hopefully have that done within the next few days. stay tuned.
green day "409 in your coffeemaker-from the dookie sessions [as anyone who knows me or reads this shit knows, i freakin love gd; i always have and i always will. hell, i've been listening to them for just shy of twenty years and in that time, due in large part to being an uber dork who loves to read and know as much as i can about the things that interest me, i've studied up on them a lot and know their entire history and catalog by heart. or so i thought. just the other night i found out that during the sessions for their 1994 breakout, dookie, they re-recorded a version of "409 in your coffee maker" a snarky song that had originally appeared on their 1990 debut album, 39/smooth. they opted not to include it on the final album, but it did appear as a b-side on the british version of the "basketcase" single which is probably why i missed it. as a kid, i didn't have the money to spend on import singles and saved my cash for more full albums or vinyl. it was cool to hear it done in a better studio and presumably done and tweaked track by track as opposed to being recorded live the first go around. while i do have several of their b-sides, i have decided i'm going to research all of their singles now to find out if there are other non-album gems i may have missed out there. i feel like i'm back in my record hunting days, its all about the search!]

"poprocks and coke" [this is another non album track, that was on the compilation international superhits.  it goes a little something like this....Wherever you go
You know I’ll be there
If you go far,
You know I’ll be there
I’ll go anywhere,
So I’ll see you there
You place the name
You know I’ll be there
You name the time
You know I’ll be there
I’ll go anywhere
So I’ll see you there
and that is the damn story of my life in terms of my relationships with people. unfortunately that also extends to people who really, REALLY, do NOT deserve it]
"nice guys finish last" [yeah, they pretty much always do. trust me, i know]
fin. xo- hoos